replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
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I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.