I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
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[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
The prophecy is fulfilled
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.