Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
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Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.