I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
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Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Bartenders are just boneless bars
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into