Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
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Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
This is the one
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
They’re the worst 😩
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.