Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
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Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
We avoided this particular disaster
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Best mom ever 😂
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE