Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
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a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”