My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
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I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Storm Tropical Storm
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.