This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
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“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring