The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
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Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
What personal space?
My dog
I created you as mosquito food.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.