Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
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*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
When your man makes a valid point
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away