My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
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[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
When I said I liked it rough.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles