[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
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Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
#ParentingFacts
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
😂💯
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
some Old Testament wisdom
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?