When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
You Might Also Like
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.