I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
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Well there goes my Wednesday night.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
My patronus is a cheeseburger
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Hey i am sexy to you now
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.