Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
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my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.