Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
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Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
this is funnier than any friends episode
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.