5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
You Might Also Like
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
i smell a pulitzer
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.