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[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
seems like a niche market
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur