The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
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her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Realize this:
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.