white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
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There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
But is it really??
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
181.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
When I laugh on my period
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.