You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
You Might Also Like
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
welp
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.