8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
You Might Also Like
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
guys i’ve cracked the code
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.