(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
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*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Science memes
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Can’t, holding a grudge
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
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At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*