Unexpected Judgment
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H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”