“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
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Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.