My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
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Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
😂🤣😂🤣
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE