The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
You Might Also Like
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.