Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
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the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
My blood type is b hungry.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.