Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
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My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
I know
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.