A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
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Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Found my door mat
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more