Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
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I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store