bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
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[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth