6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
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I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over