You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
You Might Also Like
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
I just tested negative for patience.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?