I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
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Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t