Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
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me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath