Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
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Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?