*praying for world peace*
God:
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Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
brian had himself a morning…
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time