Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
You Might Also Like
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Spider-cat: No One Home
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Cndnsd Mlk