[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
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CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing: