At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
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Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Meanwhile in Canada…
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
😂😂
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.