Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
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a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
No. YOU-buprofen.