*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
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*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.