[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
You Might Also Like
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
everyone has that one prude friend
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.