Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
You Might Also Like
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Dudes named Chance never had one.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned