How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
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If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Meme Monday.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.