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What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
what’s more important?
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.