PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
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A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
😆this is so true
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Found my door mat
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
mariah carrie
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it