Not today
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Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂